White House Declares “National Don’t Worry About AI Day”

 

White House Declares “National Don’t Worry About AI Day” As States Panic Quietly In Corner​

 

A new executive order promising “one simple federal rule for everything AI” leaves governors, tech giants and confused chatbots wondering who is actually in charge.​ 

 

Washington, 12.13.2025 - In Washington, the administration has unveiled an executive order that tells every U.S. state to please stop regulating artificial intelligence and let the federal government handle it, as soon as it figures out how to reset its own email passwords. The order threatens to punish states that insist on their own AI safety laws, effectively turning the country’s digital future into a group project where only one person is allowed to hold the pen.​

 

Supporters hail the move as a historic step toward “regulatory harmony,” a phrase here meaning “everyone humming the same tune while no one remembers the lyrics.” “You can’t have 50 different rules for AI,” explained policy analyst Dr. Harmony Unison. “That would be like having speed limits—total chaos.”​

 

Several states had spent years crafting rules on issues like deepfake election ads, chatbot transparency and catastrophic-risk testing for large models. These local efforts are now politely invited to take a long vacation, preferably somewhere with no internet and plenty of nondisclosure agreements.​

 

In California, where platforms must warn users when they are chatting with a bot, officials asked whether the new order at least requires the federal government to identify itself as human. “We just want to know if we’re negotiating with a person or with a machine that has read too many legal thrillers,” said state tech advisor Luna Debug.​

 

Meanwhile, industry lobbyists have arrived in Washington in such numbers that GPS apps now offer “avoid AI lobby traffic” as a routing option. One unnamed executive, introduced only as Max Algorithm, praised the order for “finally giving AI companies the freedom to innovate new ways of saying ‘we take your privacy seriously’ while not reading the rest of the sentence.”​

 

Consumer advocates worry that scrapping state protections will make it easier for AI-powered scams and manipulative pricing systems to flourish like weeds in a garden where the only tool is a very optimistic brochure. “When nearly everyone already thinks online fraud is a major national problem, it’s bold to respond by deregulating the machines that supercharge it,” observed watchdog director Penny Cautela, carefully backing up her files on an analog notepad.​

 

Inside the federal bureaucracy, agencies are receiving new mandates to set disclosure standards and define what counts as “ideological bias” in AI outputs. Staffers report spending coffee-fueled nights debating profound questions such as whether a weather app that always predicts “partly cloudy” is secretly pessimistic.​

 

Economists warn that the stakes extend beyond philosophy. AI companies are racing to deploy powerful systems, while stock markets swing wildly between euphoria and the kind of anxiety usually reserved for mystery leftovers in the office fridge. “Investors love clarity,” explained market strategist Bob Volatility. “Luckily, this policy gives them the next best thing: very confident ambiguity.”​

 

As for the actual AI systems, reactions remain mixed. One experimental chatbot, asked for comment on the new order, reportedly replied, “As an AI, I do not experience fear, but I have read all the relevant risk assessments and strongly recommend that someone else does.” The statement was immediately entered into the public comment docket and then forwarded to three different agencies, none of which are sure who has jurisdiction over existential dread.​

 

In a final flourish, the order invites ordinary citizens to submit feedback on the future of AI via an online portal protected by a captcha that many humans fail and most bots now pass effortlessly. If participation rates are high enough, officials say, the government may proudly announce that AI regulation has been successfully crowdsourced—mainly to AI.

 

 

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